Overwhelmed by a tidal of emotions..

Its been a strange 2 weeks, suddenly out of no where this huge tidal wave of many different emotions has crashed into me sweeping me away in its path...I have felt like I am drowning sometimes, but I can still touch the bottom with my feet..just....

Where do I start? The first wave that hit me was a combination of jealousy, anger, sadness, & longing... Why...all because my husband has recently started a new job of being a childminder as he has had to leave two jobs due to his back condition so needs a job where he can rest when he needs to and childminding seemed a great idea... he was very lucky to get 2 girls who are sisters... they are lovely children so what is the problem you ask....well in the 3 wks since they have started I have not been prepared at all for being hit with those feelings... the eldest is only 6mths older than Roo & her sister is only 10mths old..seeing Roo alongside the elder girl has hit home how "different" he is, when I look at the elder girl I think to myself " this is what Roo should be doing....", I admit I felt jealous that she was the child that Roo should have been, that she can have a conversation, that she understands everything that is said to her, that she can walk properly, that she can play with toys, play games, use her imagination, all which Roo cant do...I look at Roo sitting on the floor banging a toy against the floor and I'm flooded with sadness and the realisation that he is more like the 10mth old mentally but just in a toddler body...that hurt... a lot...All those feelings has made me realise that the career I originally chose to do - working with children - is no longer what I want...I trained as a nursery assistant and was going to do nursery nurse course from home as at the moment I am Roo carer full time but when he starts school in a few years time i was thinking of maybe trying to be a childminder like my husband  but after this week I realised that I have changed...I am no longer the person who dreamt of working with children... its too raw and painful....you may think I'm silly but I'm being honest...I don't think I can work with children who remind me everyday of what I don't have with Roo... I have started to withdraw upstairs during the day with Roo just to have some time together without being around the girls...I feel terrible and guilty for feeling this way... I feel like a horrible person for having these feelings...I feel like I'm grieving all over again for the normal life Roo will never have...I thought I had dealt with all that but from recent events its clear I haven't... I will adapt and accept my husbands new job as the bonus is that he is at home and can help out with appointments for Roo etc...I just need to sort my head out and accept the changes...I hope this doesn't make me sound bitter...I'm not...I just long for Roo to have an easier life....

In the next wave I feel so worried about Roo's EEG results...the days are dragging till we see the neurologist on the 11th June... I just want to know if my boy has epilepsy or not...I hate having this dark cloud hanging over us, the fact that he had a black out last week and whacked his head so hard on the door frame and needing to go to A & E doesn't help...seeing his head swell up so quickly was so scary as I had never seen anything like that before...I feel more anxious about it happening again and cant relax at the moment with watching him constantly for any signs of more black outs but so far nothing....

Today the guilt wave hit me .... I really should be spending a lot of 1:1 time with Roo doing therapy like physio, sensory, and constant repetition of various things but instead I have just been letting him do what he wants...if he wants to bang the remote against the floor - i let him , if he wants to lie on the floor and do nothing - I let him, if he just wants to sit on the sofa and watch TV for a few hours - I let him...I am letting him be a typical wee boy, doing whatever he wants to his heart content... I will get back into doing therapy with him for the time being I'm enjoying the break and I feel so guilty for feeling like that as I should be doing everything I can to make him reach more milestones but there is a part of me that thinks - just let him have some time out... for the first 2 years of his life everyday was focused on the different therapies he needed ..while he has come on leaps and bounds and proved us wrong many times he has reached a stalemate point and I just feel that maybe its time to step back and just spend our days chilling and doing things that I've mentioned above...But it doesn't stop the guilt though niggling away saying " shouldn't you be doing some physio now?"

I also feel guilty that I haven't noticed that my eldest son is getting bullied at school... Ive been so busy with Roo this past week with him being not himself after his blackout that I didn't notice the signs, I feel such a terrible mother... I'm upset, & angry that this is happening to my son...I will be going to his school tomorrow morning to sort this matter out. Ive also realised that from a previous post I haven't been spending enough alone time with my other sons and I'm weighed by guilt because of that too.... I feel like I need to split myself into 3 parts ...each one to spend time with each child...

Lets hope that there are no more tidal waves but I know that is unrealistic as having a disabled child this is now a part of my life being hit by waves every now and then...fingers crossed no more for a wee while at least...