Loves & Hates

Recently I read a blog post from a fellow swan mummy and it was about the things she hates that is happening in her life at the moment...after reading it got me thinking a lot about it and how I had recently been feeling a lot of "hate" moments as well as "love" moments...it kept going round and round my head so I thought I might as well write a blog about it to get it out of my system!

First of all I'm going to start with the "hates" in my life at the moment...

* I hate that I'm no longer the same mummy to my older boys, that I play with them less than before due to Roo being so demanding and needing constant attention..

* I hate that I shout at them when Im stressed out and they dont listen to me...they are just being typical boys & I need to relax more instead of running around like a stressed headless chicken...

* I hate that Lucas felt upset last night due to Roo going in the bath with daddy and he feels Roo always gets to do things first because he has special needs..

* I hate having to explain to him that Roo going into the bath first has nothing to do with him being special needs but simply cos it was nearly his bed time but Lucas is so young and all he sees when he looks at Roo is that Roo is a special needs child & I hate that...

* I hate that my eldest got called names by so called friends that he is "disabled" etc as he comes from a disabled family...he resents us as his parents for being deaf, he resents Roo for being disabled but loves us dearly. He is struggling so much with his feelings at the moment and I'm trying to help him through this stage in his life...I just wish he didnt have all this to deal with..

* I hate days like today where Roo will just cry/scream on and off all day, not his cheery self, whiny, moany as he is so much more hard work and nothing gets done as all my time is spent comforting Roo , trying to ease his pain, trying to make him happy...

* I hate his hospital making me have to chase up results from recent tests...today I phoned his neurologist secretary and she said that there was no record of anything! That's ridiculous as its been more than 6 wks since he was in hospital and they still haven't gotten round to dealing with his reports...told her I wasn't happy and she is going to get the neurologist to push on it...not holding out much hope...I hate that consultants don't realise how much us parents, especially ones of undiagnosed children hang on desperately waiting to hear the results , waiting for that letter to drop on the doorstep every day, watching the phone willing it to ring...I hate that I have to use up my time to kick the asses of professionals to do their jobs...

* I hate having to hold Roo down every night, feeling him struggle, hearing his distressed screams while I try to administer his inhalers that he needs every night...I hate that he doesn't understand nor realise that it's for his benefit...

* I hate that I cant communicate with Roo, cant get him to understand simple things...

* I hate WAITING...I feel we spend all our life waiting on results...

I could go on and on but the ones above are the ones that I was feeling this week...no doubt the list will change every week, getting less and maybe even more but no matter what at the end of the day I try to focus on the "love" things like :

* I love melatonin! Thanks to this medication I now have my nights back...

* I love having time at night to just chill on the sofa and watch tv, and not worry about Roo as he is sound asleep though I do have his video monitor at my side all times to monitor him...

* I love waking up in the mornings to find that Roo has not woken me or the boys up through the night  ..

* I love when I go into his bedroom and see his morning smile...

* I love seeing Roo rock to music...he cant communicate & struggles with every day things but put some music on and he becomes a rock & roll dude with some cool moves like rocking his head to the beat or wiggling his bum!

* I love the moment when Im in the kitchen and he is crying so I pick him up and he actually cuddles into me, holding me for a long time..I love that moment, the moment where a mother and son are just holding each other in love and everything just goes still and quiet at that moment in time...its like time has stopped...those moments are special to me as they are rare...

* I love see Roo face light up when his brothers come storming through the doors after school - I love that he recognises them and gets excited to see them.

* I love seeing his joy when in the bath, he adores water , its one of the things that gives him a lot of happiness..

* I love seeing him try so hard to copy signs, gives me hope that one day he will communicate...

* I love seeing my other boys cuddle him, help by changing his nappy, feeding him yogurt!

* I love watching all my boys together playing, his older brothers making him laugh..

* I love hearing others telling me that he is doing so well, that he is achieving so much  no matter how small it is..I love that they see Roo for what he is and not his disability...

*Most of all I LOVE his wicked sense of humor...while on the floor with him I bang my head against a toy & all of a sudden he roars with laughter, I do it again, more roaring with laughter ensues!

I see "love" & "hate" like a deck of cards...everyday the cards are shaken, everyday the deck is different so it could be a "hate" day or a "love" day, sometimes it can be both in the same day, no day is exactly the same in our lives and that is something Ive come to accept even though I hate that we have this but no matter what I love my wee family....