Mum guilt

Until you become a parent, you can't fully understand the guilt one feels if something happens to their child. I see so many of my mum friends say how guilty they feel when their child was injured /had an accident while in their care. I have over the years since having my first born followed by his siblings have felt this "guilt" when they have fallen & hurt themselves or they've managed to do something dangerous before you can get hold of them. So many things run through your mind afterwards like - if only I didn't go into the kitchen to put rubbish in the bin, if only I didn't go to see why their sister was crying etc . There are so many reasons one feels guilty about & it's completely normal part of being a parent I guess.

But I think that "guilt" tends to amplify more when you have a special needs child to care for as well. Well that's what I think anyway! 

Roo has no awareness of danger which has been noticed by the school especially the last year as he can put himself into dangerous situations. He always needs an adult to keep him safe 24/7 and it's hard some days. Sometimes he goes through a period of doing really well & not doing anything dangerous so you think it's ok to slightly lower your guard as you do want them to learn to be able to do some things but then bam! Something will happen and you are back to being the "helicopter" parent and never letting them out of your sight which often means taking them with you if you need to go to the bathroom etc. Roo is a big boy now, no longer is it a simple case of lifting him if he refuses, he is heavy & almost 9yrs old so is quite tall for his age. I often have to check the whole room to make sure there is nothing within his reach that could endanger him if I was to leave him and run to the bathroom. 

Roo also has a very poor memory and everything has to be repetitive day in and day out so if you tell him not to do something because it's dangerous he won't remember or he doesn't take in what you've said. 

On Sunday Roo & Fox were having fun playing on an old mattress as it was pouring outside so it kept them amused for a short time. Roo got fed up & climbed the wee table we have for him to have his food on & climbed onto the window still..I took him down explaining he was not to do that , it wasn't safe. He did it a further 10/12times and each time I said "no, come down it's not safe" .. I went to sit down for a few mins when all of a sudden as quick as a flash Roo climbed onto the table but lost balance and whacked his head against the radiator. I heard & felt the thud. I jumped up, ran over to him & he turned to look at me crying with blood pouring from his mouth. At first I thought he burst his lip but then I realise there was a gap and he was missing a tooth cue panic stations. I yelled for my older sons to come and help..we got Roo calmed down while they searched for the missing tooth. 

A phone call to nhs24 we were told we only had an hour to get to the emergency dental hospital & they asked if we could get there in that time limit or if we needed an ambulance..I flew as fast as I could (within speed limits don't worry!) down the bypass till we got to the hospital..turned out the tooth was in the gum and not lost like we thought...phew as it meant it could be fixed. Appointment made with the specialist for the next day to see when the op was.

But we were told that the tooth could not be salvaged due to a number of reasons 

1. The tooth had been pushed so far up into the gum that they were unsure if it could be fixed - it was 11mm up inside his gum & jawbone
2. His disability prevented them being able to keep the tooth if it was salvageable because he has bad oral aversion to objects in his mouth & doesn't let dentists do any work to his mouth so it would mean a GA nearly every wk to help the tooth set etc which just isn't feasible and unfair on Roo

I'll admit I cried my eyes out at this news, if it had been a baby tooth I probably wouldn't have been as upset but it was an adult tooth and it's the very front tooth. Seeing how much pain he was in & he didn't understand why was heartbreaking and made me feel so guilty..knowing that he has a lot of dental appointments coming makes me feel awful as its one of the worst things for him to deal with. I keep thinking

If only I was quicker

If only I didn't go and sit down

If only I had taken table away

If only , if only

I know deep down that there was nothing I could have done to prevent it, I tried my best, I can't take away his disability, I can't make him understand danger, it's something I have to accept for the rest of his life that he will always need adult supervision but also be realistic that he can't go through life with no accidents as a consequence but it doesn't stop the guilt I as his mum feel. I wish I could take his pain for him. I think I feel the guilt so much more because you can see his injury everytime I see him & knowing all the hard work we did in trying to get him to accept dentists & brushing teeth has gone out of the window ...years of therapy undone just like that.

I know this will become a memory in time but at the moment the mum guilt is overwhelming.