Death, Stars & Understanding

Death is often a topic that many parents don't want to talk about to their children but quite often children are curious and ask questions. I believe it's important to answer these questions as honestly as you can so that it helps them to understand it better. By trying to brush it aside, refusing to talk about it can make kids fear death more I think as they will think it's something they aren't allowed to talk about, something to fear, something they aren't allowed to understand, something they aren't allowed to feel.

Death is inevitable, it will enter most children's lives at some point being it a pet, grandparents, parents, siblings etc so it's important when a loved one dies that you sit down with your child & try to explain in whatever way you feel is best about why that person is no longer around. Encourage them to talk about their feelings, help them to understand & process it all. Children all express grief in different ways, they can be upset one minute & seem OK the next minute as they go off to play with their toys. Others ask countless of questions & others may ignore the situation. It varies so much from child to child, there is no right or wrong way when it comes to grief.

But what happens when your child has a severe learning disability? How do you explain it to them? How much do they understand what you are trying to say?

We were faced with this at the beginning of the summer holidays this year when their much loved Nana passed away from lung cancer.  It was hard on us all because 7mths earlier we had all stayed at their house, the kids enjoyed baking with their Nana, they enjoyed their walks around the village & Park with her, they had fun in the garden feeding the fish & so much more. So many memories were made during that visit which was when Faith was in hospital for her CI surgery. It was also Roo's birthday that wkd which their Nana had a little tea party with all the kids. Little did we know this would be the last time we would ever do this for a month later she was admitted to hospital for they found something on the scan which later turned out to be cancer.

The older boys understood what what going on as we explained it all to them, as we felt it was better to be honest with them, help them understand why they could no longer go to stay with their grandparents. Roo doesnt ask about people unless he sees a photo of them so he was completely unaware of what was going on. Foxy was simply too young. When we discovered it was terminal & that she didn't have much longer to go we made one last trip with all the boys. I tried to tell Roo in simple terms that Nana wasn't well but he just didn't understand and walked away to play with his ipad. It was only when he walked into the room that he realised something was different as his Nana looked different, he just stopped, stared at her and turned round and walked out. The older boys took him upstairs to play with the toys while we were with her.

When we got the news that she had passed away I tried to find a way to explain to Roo as he could see we were upset but he just didn't understand until one night I was laid in bed with him trying to get him to sleep & I could see the stars shining out the window & I just said "Nana lives in the stars" Roo looked at me confused at first but I just repeated it and told him that he could wave to her whenever he could see stars out the window, he smiled and got all excited, jumped out of bed and shouted out the window "bye Nana" & waving.

Due to his disabilities he can easily forget things so I regularly take a photo of her and show it to him so that he can remember her.. He always smiles whenever he sees her photo so I know he remembers her even though he never asks for her, or wonders where she is when Grandad visits on his own. Roo simply doesn't understand death and probably never will, he ll always have the innocence of a toddler & be oblivious to those feelings. 

I get a huge pang of sadness when I think how he is unable to remember the memories of things they have done together like how my older boys will come out and start talking about a memory of her that they remember.

I hold Roo's memories of his time with his Nana , they are precious & I will always talk about them to him to keep her memory alive in his mind.