He should be but isn't ...

At the beginning of this year during a big meeting it was mentioned by several people that it would be beneficial for Roo to be deferred for a year so instead of starting school this month he would remain in the nursery redoing his preschool year. I understood their reasons and actually agreed that it would probably be better for him as despite all the progress he has made there was no way he was ready for school so we were handed paperwork and filled it all in and the professionals involved wrote their reasons for supporting this decision and sent it off to wait to hear if the LA agreed to the decision. We didn't have to wait long as we soon got a letter saying that the LA agreed and things were set in motion ready for Roo to return to nursery with full time support. When the letter arrived I actually felt relieved as it was one less battle for us but then I could feel tiny niggles of doubt trying to creep into my mind but I pushed it to the back and concentrated on the summer holidays. 

All was fine until I read on Facebook how some parents were getting emotional at the thought of their child starting school and it sort of hit me that I was going to miss out on all this. I remember all the emotions and excitement when my older two started school and had fully expected to do the same with my youngest but it wasn't to be, instead to be a year later than normal.

I told myself I was being silly and quietly told myself to stop thinking "he should be.." and focus on the now & that the decision had been made and all professionals supported it so it can't be a mistake. I continued to keep pushing the doubts to the edge of my mind. It would be so much easier if I had a crystal ball that would tell me that I had made the right decision but alas nothing like that exists. Only time will tell.

The day came when the schools/nurseries started back for the new term. I got Roo all dressed wearing his nursery tshirt and jumper, put him in his chair and walked to school..after dropping off my other two children I continued walking towards Roo school and on the way I saw some of the children that were in Roo nursery class before the summer hols wearing their school uniform with big smiles on their faces and I felt the pangs of sadness rising in me. 

Waiting outside the nursery entrance for the doors to open I saw a big crowd of parents, carers, grandparents with excited little children, taking their photos and I watched it all, thinking how smart the children looked, thinking that they were starting a new journey and hoped that they had a good time. Then the parents turned and started walking towards the nursery to go pass to go out the gate and I saw a few wiping away tears and suddenly time seemed to slow down, everything faded out and as I watched one parent wipe away the tears from her face and turn to speak to a group of parents I suddenly felt overwhelmed with sadness and could no longer watch, instead focusing on my boy sat in his chair oblivious to it all, I bent down and kissed his head and whispered "I love you" and he turned and stared at me and grabbed my hand. At that moment everything  returned to normal and soon it was time to take him into his new room, with a new bunch of kids. 

As I walked out of the school grounds I wondered to myself " why was I feeling like this" ... Then I realised it was simple - I'm only human and that while I knew the right decision was made, that Roo was oblivious to it all, not aware that his old class had moved onto new pastures, nor aware that he had a new class as to him it's just children whether new or old, and most importantly that Roo was happy, healthy and making progress all the time, that it was ok to have moments of sadness at "he should be" moments, sadness that our path is different from majority of parents. 

BUT next year I will be that emotional , excited, anxious mummy at the school gates seeing my child go to school. Meanwhile even though I am happy I'm only human and I will just take a couple of weeks  to get over the feeling of sadness I feel right now.