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Sleepless


You start screaming so I lift you to see what's wrong,
Nothing is obvious apart from your distress
I see you pulling your eyelashes
The tears running down your cheeks
I hold you close, whisper in your ear that it's ok
Your hands are covering your face
You scream on and on , 
Eventually your screams turn to sobs which turn into sniffles 
You keep your eyes covered refusing to look at me,
If I try to move your hands you start to get upset,
Eventually your breathing slows and becomes deeper, 
I know you are sleeping
I keep cuddling you close wishing I knew what was wrong
When you wake up from your sleep you aren't happy
You scream and cry in distress,
I try to hug you but you push me away
I put my hand on your back to comfort you but still you scream even more
You push me, kick me your way of telling me you can't bear to be touched
I sit beside you letting you know I'm near
It breaks my heart that I can't comfort you
That I can't just scoop you into my arms to comfort...
I try lifting you again but you go floppy and start screaming
You lay on the floor so I lay beside you
Singing quietly and gradually to get closer and closer till you can tolerate my touch
Only then do you snuggle in , put your head against my head and your hand rests on top of me
I don't move out of fear it will start you off again so I lay there savouring the moment of closeness
I watch as your eyes get heavy, your breathing gets calmer and slower..you are finally asleep.
I stay there till morning in order to get some sleep myself
I hate not knowing why some nights you scream and cry,
I hate that you cannot communicate with me what's wrong
It's obvious you are in pain sometimes but where & why we don't know
Thankfully those kind of nights aren't all the time
There are many nights where you simply do not want to sleep
Or you do but your body doesn't allow you to rest peacefully
So we often spend those early hrs together, me on the beanbag and you in bed
Sometimes we look outside the window at the stars in the sky
But most of all we just lay there together, me silently hoping you will fall back asleep 
And you creeping closer so you can lay your hand on my arm or face or sometimes you don't want touch but just the reassurance that I am there.
Sleep deprivation is torture but yet I still get up every morning and put on my smile and get on with the day no matter how exhausted I feel. 
I just wish I had an ounce of your energy as I honestly don't know how you can be so lively and bouncy on so little sleep! 
One day we will get to the bottom of your sleep disorder but meanwhile we will just treasure every moment of sleep even if it's only for an hour..it's better than nothing ...

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